Ben Hansen
"Yes," said Ben.
THE END
Showing posts with label 06 - The Dead Monkey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 06 - The Dead Monkey. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XXIV
Hugh Hamilton
"What boys?" asked Hugh.
Ben looked around.
"The police boys?" he said uncertainly.
"If we intended to have the involvement of the police force, we wouldn't have asked you to take on the case in the first place," clarified the couple.
"So what do we do with him?" asked Ben.
"Fire him, obviously," answered the couple.
"Bugger," mumbled the gardener.
A pause the size of a cantaloupe wafted in on the afternoon breeze and slumped in the corner for a moment.
"Any last words Ben?" said Hugh.
"What boys?" asked Hugh.
Ben looked around.
"The police boys?" he said uncertainly.
"If we intended to have the involvement of the police force, we wouldn't have asked you to take on the case in the first place," clarified the couple.
"So what do we do with him?" asked Ben.
"Fire him, obviously," answered the couple.
"Bugger," mumbled the gardener.
A pause the size of a cantaloupe wafted in on the afternoon breeze and slumped in the corner for a moment.
"Any last words Ben?" said Hugh.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XXIII
Ben Hansen
"Yes, it was I!" he shrieked. "All these years, I have had to work day
in, day out, all so these poletariat shiteheads can enjoy their
precious bloody view! Do they give me a raise? Ever tell me I did a
good job? No! And yet, they give their freakin' monkey a goddamn OPAL!
I hated that monkey, it humped my cat to death. And despite all its
faults, they still loved it so much they gave it an opal to replace
the eye it had lost from syphilis! That's right, it contracted a VD
from screwing my cat! And yet, do they even throw a tube of ointment
my way when I contract herpes from an unnamed prostitute? I think
not!"
He paused for breath as the people in the room stared at him.
"That... was a lot of aggression," Grace began.
"You can be aggressive to my monkey anyday, baby," Hugh sneered at her.
"Can you please keep your hormones in order until after this whole
thing has been sorted?" asked Ben, and quickly followed it with "Did
you ever try to tell your bosses this?"
"I tried once, but they were so busy with their precious little simian
that I couldn't choke the words out," garden-boy replied.
"Monkeys aren't simians." Ben said.
"Well, in the future you'd best learn to express yourself in less
deadly ways," his employer, be it a man or woman, replied.
"Yeah, all right."
"Just one last question," Ben said. "How did you stab the monkey?"
"I made an ice dagger in my time off."
"Does the quality of the dagger matter?" Hugh asked, but nobody got it.
"An ice... Okay, but why not just use a knife like any normal person?"
Ben continued.
"Where's the fun in that?"
"Well, I can't argue with that. Take him away, boys!"
"Yes, it was I!" he shrieked. "All these years, I have had to work day
in, day out, all so these poletariat shiteheads can enjoy their
precious bloody view! Do they give me a raise? Ever tell me I did a
good job? No! And yet, they give their freakin' monkey a goddamn OPAL!
I hated that monkey, it humped my cat to death. And despite all its
faults, they still loved it so much they gave it an opal to replace
the eye it had lost from syphilis! That's right, it contracted a VD
from screwing my cat! And yet, do they even throw a tube of ointment
my way when I contract herpes from an unnamed prostitute? I think
not!"
He paused for breath as the people in the room stared at him.
"That... was a lot of aggression," Grace began.
"You can be aggressive to my monkey anyday, baby," Hugh sneered at her.
"Can you please keep your hormones in order until after this whole
thing has been sorted?" asked Ben, and quickly followed it with "Did
you ever try to tell your bosses this?"
"I tried once, but they were so busy with their precious little simian
that I couldn't choke the words out," garden-boy replied.
"Monkeys aren't simians." Ben said.
"Well, in the future you'd best learn to express yourself in less
deadly ways," his employer, be it a man or woman, replied.
"Yeah, all right."
"Just one last question," Ben said. "How did you stab the monkey?"
"I made an ice dagger in my time off."
"Does the quality of the dagger matter?" Hugh asked, but nobody got it.
"An ice... Okay, but why not just use a knife like any normal person?"
Ben continued.
"Where's the fun in that?"
"Well, I can't argue with that. Take him away, boys!"
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XXII
Hugh Hamilton
"Wait, you don't expect me to be part of your team permanently, do you?" said Grace disdainfully at the doorstep.
"How so?" asked one of the other two.
"Well I'm not playing third-wheel with you homos."
"Who said you had to?" said Ben. "You're just here as a pseudo-Catwoman."
"Oh — never mind then."
Hugh hid his disappointment 'neath a veil of wit (if such a word can be used).
"Pseudo: that's what they make bread footwear with," he gulped.
The others ignored and knocked hesitantly on the door.
"Yes?" said the fat lady in a bathing costume upon opening.
"Come with us please, " commanded Ben.
"Sure," answered the lady without a second thought.
And so they gathered in the drawing room of the couple who kicked off the whole mess. The fat lady in the now-famous and well-worn bathing costume sat expectantly in an armchair while Humphrey and the couple lent 'gainst a handsomely stocked bookcase. Ben, Hugh and Grace entered after what they considered a beautifully weighted pause and stood authoritatively in the centre of the room.
"I believe," began Ben theatrically, "that we have uncovered a devious and foul plot."
"One so devious, and so foul," continued Hugh, "that to mention it is to commit verbal sin!"
"Nevertheless," said Ben, "we will relay it to you for your benefit. It is, after all, what you hired us to do in the first place."
"It starts with a monkey," said Hugh.
"And ends with an opal," completed Ben.
"Monkeyopal!" called out the fat lady.
Hugh ignored her and began to speak again.
"Here in this humble drawing room lies a murderer."
No one bothered to gasp.
"A mastermind of crime!" emphasised Ben, "whose carefully calculated plan overlooked but one detail—"
"Hugh and Ben!" cried Hugh, staring intently at the ceiling for extra effect.
"This was a crime of greed," said Ben.
"Agreed!" chortled Hugh.
"Yes," continued Ben, "a greed so strong that it destroyed everything in its path."
"A helpless monkey lost its life," wept Hugh comically. "And for what?"
"A measly thousand," answered Ben. "A pathetic monetary gain."
Grace sighed and someone yawned.
"How was this done?" asked Hugh.
"Simple," said Ben. "They secretly broke into the house, and, after taking care of the monkey, removed a precious opal from the socket."
"Then proceeded to hock at a pawn store to a young lady who we just happened to be acquainted with." Hugh smiled at Grace who gently ignored him
"And who was this vile villain?" asked Ben.
Her!" shouted Hugh, pointing accusingly at Lady Bathe.
"Me?" she said startled.
"Yes, you!" confirmed Ben.
"Actually," said the couple, "it was our former gardener."
"What?"
"Yes, sorry, we didn't want to interrupt your speech."
Hugh dropped his cue cards.
"How do you know?" he questioned furiously.
"He admitted it. He felt rather guilty, you see," they said.
"But why?"
"Perhaps the second writer could answer that."
Oh, and the gardener entered.
"Wait, you don't expect me to be part of your team permanently, do you?" said Grace disdainfully at the doorstep.
"How so?" asked one of the other two.
"Well I'm not playing third-wheel with you homos."
"Who said you had to?" said Ben. "You're just here as a pseudo-Catwoman."
"Oh — never mind then."
Hugh hid his disappointment 'neath a veil of wit (if such a word can be used).
"Pseudo: that's what they make bread footwear with," he gulped.
The others ignored and knocked hesitantly on the door.
"Yes?" said the fat lady in a bathing costume upon opening.
"Come with us please, " commanded Ben.
"Sure," answered the lady without a second thought.
And so they gathered in the drawing room of the couple who kicked off the whole mess. The fat lady in the now-famous and well-worn bathing costume sat expectantly in an armchair while Humphrey and the couple lent 'gainst a handsomely stocked bookcase. Ben, Hugh and Grace entered after what they considered a beautifully weighted pause and stood authoritatively in the centre of the room.
"I believe," began Ben theatrically, "that we have uncovered a devious and foul plot."
"One so devious, and so foul," continued Hugh, "that to mention it is to commit verbal sin!"
"Nevertheless," said Ben, "we will relay it to you for your benefit. It is, after all, what you hired us to do in the first place."
"It starts with a monkey," said Hugh.
"And ends with an opal," completed Ben.
"Monkeyopal!" called out the fat lady.
Hugh ignored her and began to speak again.
"Here in this humble drawing room lies a murderer."
No one bothered to gasp.
"A mastermind of crime!" emphasised Ben, "whose carefully calculated plan overlooked but one detail—"
"Hugh and Ben!" cried Hugh, staring intently at the ceiling for extra effect.
"This was a crime of greed," said Ben.
"Agreed!" chortled Hugh.
"Yes," continued Ben, "a greed so strong that it destroyed everything in its path."
"A helpless monkey lost its life," wept Hugh comically. "And for what?"
"A measly thousand," answered Ben. "A pathetic monetary gain."
Grace sighed and someone yawned.
"How was this done?" asked Hugh.
"Simple," said Ben. "They secretly broke into the house, and, after taking care of the monkey, removed a precious opal from the socket."
"Then proceeded to hock at a pawn store to a young lady who we just happened to be acquainted with." Hugh smiled at Grace who gently ignored him
"And who was this vile villain?" asked Ben.
Her!" shouted Hugh, pointing accusingly at Lady Bathe.
"Me?" she said startled.
"Yes, you!" confirmed Ben.
"Actually," said the couple, "it was our former gardener."
"What?"
"Yes, sorry, we didn't want to interrupt your speech."
Hugh dropped his cue cards.
"How do you know?" he questioned furiously.
"He admitted it. He felt rather guilty, you see," they said.
"But why?"
"Perhaps the second writer could answer that."
Oh, and the gardener entered.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XXI
Ben Hansen
"Wait a sec," Ben muttered. He spun to face grace. "Why are you here?"
"To supply a little much-needed femininity to the group," was her reply.
"What?"
"Oh, come on, I don't work for a couple of hours."
Ben glared at her for several long seconds before saying "Well, all
right, but Hugh and I get to treat you like dirt. That wasn't a
euphemism, Hugh."
"But I... Oh, fine." Hugh ceased rubbing up and down against Grace and
off they trotted.
The intrepid trio, who were fast getting tired of being called
"intrepid", made it to the house quite quickly, but not in a short
enough time for the narrator to bother to continue.
"Wait a sec," Ben muttered. He spun to face grace. "Why are you here?"
"To supply a little much-needed femininity to the group," was her reply.
"What?"
"Oh, come on, I don't work for a couple of hours."
Ben glared at her for several long seconds before saying "Well, all
right, but Hugh and I get to treat you like dirt. That wasn't a
euphemism, Hugh."
"But I... Oh, fine." Hugh ceased rubbing up and down against Grace and
off they trotted.
The intrepid trio, who were fast getting tired of being called
"intrepid", made it to the house quite quickly, but not in a short
enough time for the narrator to bother to continue.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XX
Hugh Hamilton
As the three hop-scotched down the footpath, Hugh decided it best to utilise his vocal chords to express a thought.
"Wait, was that a yes?" he asked of Grace.
"Was what a yes?"
"Your answer."
"To what?"
"Nothing."
Hugh displayed communist colours for a moment then continued the journey. After a five-minute bout of running, Hugh decided to exercise his wit.
"But if God's Peed, shouldn't we all be wet?" he said, giggling.
No one thought enough of it to respond and they kept silent. Eventually they made it back to their office and they quickly fished around in messy drawers before retrieving a gunky piece of paper with the relevant information scrawled on it.
"All right, off we go to 74 Rosethorn Place," said a limbless vision.
As the three hop-scotched down the footpath, Hugh decided it best to utilise his vocal chords to express a thought.
"Wait, was that a yes?" he asked of Grace.
"Was what a yes?"
"Your answer."
"To what?"
"Nothing."
Hugh displayed communist colours for a moment then continued the journey. After a five-minute bout of running, Hugh decided to exercise his wit.
"But if God's Peed, shouldn't we all be wet?" he said, giggling.
No one thought enough of it to respond and they kept silent. Eventually they made it back to their office and they quickly fished around in messy drawers before retrieving a gunky piece of paper with the relevant information scrawled on it.
"All right, off we go to 74 Rosethorn Place," said a limbless vision.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XIX
Ben Hansen
"Who? WHO?!" asked Ben, for the tension was getting to him.
"You know," Hugh said looking at Ben's tense face, "I know a good cure
for stress..."
"Never mind that now!" Ben said to Hugh. Turning to Humphrey, he
repeated, "Who left it there?"
"Well..." began the elderly man attached to the well-groomed beard.
"Get on with it," Grace said sardonically.
"It was a slightly overweight woman..." continued the well-groomed
beard bearing well-groomed man.
"Let me guess," Hugh said in a rare moment of clarity. "Was she
wearing a bathing outfit?"
"...Wearing a bathing outfit," finished the elderly beard attached to
the well-groomed man.
"Crap," Ben said. "It's the cases case all over again. Did we give
them back the bathing suit and the case? I forget."
"We did," Hugh replied.
"Fair enough. Onwards!"
"Will you marry me?" Hugh asked Grace for continuity's sake.
"Godspeed, men!" Grace waved, an unusual femininity showing on her face.
"Yes!" shouted Hugh as he was led out the door.
"Who? WHO?!" asked Ben, for the tension was getting to him.
"You know," Hugh said looking at Ben's tense face, "I know a good cure
for stress..."
"Never mind that now!" Ben said to Hugh. Turning to Humphrey, he
repeated, "Who left it there?"
"Well..." began the elderly man attached to the well-groomed beard.
"Get on with it," Grace said sardonically.
"It was a slightly overweight woman..." continued the well-groomed
beard bearing well-groomed man.
"Let me guess," Hugh said in a rare moment of clarity. "Was she
wearing a bathing outfit?"
"...Wearing a bathing outfit," finished the elderly beard attached to
the well-groomed man.
"Crap," Ben said. "It's the cases case all over again. Did we give
them back the bathing suit and the case? I forget."
"We did," Hugh replied.
"Fair enough. Onwards!"
"Will you marry me?" Hugh asked Grace for continuity's sake.
"Godspeed, men!" Grace waved, an unusual femininity showing on her face.
"Yes!" shouted Hugh as he was led out the door.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XVIII
Hugh Hamilton
"I could," replied Grace flatly.
"And will you?" continued Ben.
"I will."
"Good."
There arose a small, awkward and thoroughly disreputable pause before Ben, a man of means, spoke once more.
"Who was it who tried to hock you the opal?"
Grace had no choice but to respond.
"It was a strange man in the latter years with a well-groomed beard," she phrased. "Very much like him."
Hugh and Ben spun around to see what appeared to be a well-groomed beard attached to an elderly man.
"Humph!" exclaimed Hugh affectionately.
As Humphrey turned to see what the fuss was about, Hugh and Ben noticed, with mild shock, that half of his face was strangely droopy and lifeless.
"What happened?" asked Hugh.
"I had a stroke," replied Humphrey.
"Don't worry, we all do it," reassured Hugh.
"No, no, the brain thing," corrected Humphrey. "As in not enough blood therein."
"Or going in," added Ben.
"How?" asked Hugh.
"I don't know, but I suspect foul play."
"Ah, so something IS going on," said Hugh.
"Indeed it is."
"Anyway, what were you doing with that opal?" interrupted Ben.
"What opal?"
"This one." Grace held up a beautiful but disappointingly small opal.
"Oh, the monkey eye."
"Yes," said Ben.
"What about it?"
"Did you steal it?" asked Ben.
"God's Truth! Of course not."
"Then why did you have it?"
"I found it."
"Where?"
"Someone left it in my monkey shop."
"I could," replied Grace flatly.
"And will you?" continued Ben.
"I will."
"Good."
There arose a small, awkward and thoroughly disreputable pause before Ben, a man of means, spoke once more.
"Who was it who tried to hock you the opal?"
Grace had no choice but to respond.
"It was a strange man in the latter years with a well-groomed beard," she phrased. "Very much like him."
Hugh and Ben spun around to see what appeared to be a well-groomed beard attached to an elderly man.
"Humph!" exclaimed Hugh affectionately.
As Humphrey turned to see what the fuss was about, Hugh and Ben noticed, with mild shock, that half of his face was strangely droopy and lifeless.
"What happened?" asked Hugh.
"I had a stroke," replied Humphrey.
"Don't worry, we all do it," reassured Hugh.
"No, no, the brain thing," corrected Humphrey. "As in not enough blood therein."
"Or going in," added Ben.
"How?" asked Hugh.
"I don't know, but I suspect foul play."
"Ah, so something IS going on," said Hugh.
"Indeed it is."
"Anyway, what were you doing with that opal?" interrupted Ben.
"What opal?"
"This one." Grace held up a beautiful but disappointingly small opal.
"Oh, the monkey eye."
"Yes," said Ben.
"What about it?"
"Did you steal it?" asked Ben.
"God's Truth! Of course not."
"Then why did you have it?"
"I found it."
"Where?"
"Someone left it in my monkey shop."
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XVII
Ben Hansen
Three pawn shops later, still no luck. They stopped, had a rest during
which they said stuff to each other, argued a little and generally
annoyed the hell out of each other, and then set off once more for the
shop for which they were bound. After recovering his breath, Ben asked
the sour-faced person in the store "Does a person named Grace work
here?"
"I AM Grace, moron," was Grace's reply.
"Fantastic," Ben said, trying to stop Hugh from leaping in front of
him and taking over the conversation. "Could you possibly tell us who
tried to hock you the opal?"
Three pawn shops later, still no luck. They stopped, had a rest during
which they said stuff to each other, argued a little and generally
annoyed the hell out of each other, and then set off once more for the
shop for which they were bound. After recovering his breath, Ben asked
the sour-faced person in the store "Does a person named Grace work
here?"
"I AM Grace, moron," was Grace's reply.
"Fantastic," Ben said, trying to stop Hugh from leaping in front of
him and taking over the conversation. "Could you possibly tell us who
tried to hock you the opal?"
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XVI
Hugh Hamilton
As they entered the first in a series of pawn shops in the area, Hugh played with the idea of standing in the corner and demonstrating his confusion, but eventually decided against it when he realised that it was a thoroughly disturbing thing to do in front of unexpecting citizens.
"What are you doing over there?" asked Ben angrily. "I'm not doing this alone."
"But isn't the whole point that you do it alone?" replied Hugh.
"What!?" screamed Ben.
"Nothing."
Hugh raced over and joined Ben at the counter.
"Do you have a lady named Grace working here?" questioned Ben to the glum clerk.
"Grace? Why yes we do."
"Really?" said Ben in surprise.
"No."
Ben smiled aggressively.
"Thanks a lot you dumb piece of shit."
They slumped out of the store in disgust and walked towards their next destination. On the way, Hugh stopped to buy a new 440 mil can of Solo™.
As they entered the first in a series of pawn shops in the area, Hugh played with the idea of standing in the corner and demonstrating his confusion, but eventually decided against it when he realised that it was a thoroughly disturbing thing to do in front of unexpecting citizens.
"What are you doing over there?" asked Ben angrily. "I'm not doing this alone."
"But isn't the whole point that you do it alone?" replied Hugh.
"What!?" screamed Ben.
"Nothing."
Hugh raced over and joined Ben at the counter.
"Do you have a lady named Grace working here?" questioned Ben to the glum clerk.
"Grace? Why yes we do."
"Really?" said Ben in surprise.
"No."
Ben smiled aggressively.
"Thanks a lot you dumb piece of shit."
They slumped out of the store in disgust and walked towards their next destination. On the way, Hugh stopped to buy a new 440 mil can of Solo™.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XV
Ben Hansen
"Don't you have somewhere else to be?" Hugh asked the hideous young hoodlum.
"Not since Michael Jackson got arrested," the child replied.
"Too controversial and not that funny," Ben interrupted. "Piss off."
The urchin burst into tears and ran away.
"Anyway," Ben continued, "She said she worked in a pawn store right?"
"Yes..." was Hugh's unimaginative response.
"So if we search all the pawn stores..."
"I see where you're going, but there's no way I'm going into a pawn
store with you."
"Why not?"
"It would be uncomfortable if we were both in one of those booths."
A short pause while Ben worked out what the hell Hugh was talking
about and tried to frame an intelligent reply. In the end, though, all
he could manage was "I hate you."
And so they began to search.
"Don't you have somewhere else to be?" Hugh asked the hideous young hoodlum.
"Not since Michael Jackson got arrested," the child replied.
"Too controversial and not that funny," Ben interrupted. "Piss off."
The urchin burst into tears and ran away.
"Anyway," Ben continued, "She said she worked in a pawn store right?"
"Yes..." was Hugh's unimaginative response.
"So if we search all the pawn stores..."
"I see where you're going, but there's no way I'm going into a pawn
store with you."
"Why not?"
"It would be uncomfortable if we were both in one of those booths."
A short pause while Ben worked out what the hell Hugh was talking
about and tried to frame an intelligent reply. In the end, though, all
he could manage was "I hate you."
And so they began to search.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XIV
Hugh Hamilton
"But I want the whole booth! Nothing but," Hugh said excitedly.
The tall other didn't seem interested in a response of any kind and they continued walking aimlessly through the streets.
"Is that her?" asked Hugh with an uncertain finger aimed in the distance.
"Where?" Ben looked around thoroughly
"Oh sorry, it's just a cloud."
A few streets later, they did actually come across a figure, and one that was clearly a woman.
"I think that's her... Maybe," said Ben, squinting.
They saw the woman enter and exit a shop with a newspaper of sorts.
"Save your money for your children!" screamed Hugh.
"Shut up, you idiot. I want to see where she's going," scolded Ben.
And they did; they saw her line up for the theatre and they saw she wasn't Grace.
"’Struth!" exclaimed ocker Hugh.
"Almighty!" completed Ben incorrectly.
"Where to now?" asked a generously bruised little boy.
"But I want the whole booth! Nothing but," Hugh said excitedly.
The tall other didn't seem interested in a response of any kind and they continued walking aimlessly through the streets.
"Is that her?" asked Hugh with an uncertain finger aimed in the distance.
"Where?" Ben looked around thoroughly
"Oh sorry, it's just a cloud."
A few streets later, they did actually come across a figure, and one that was clearly a woman.
"I think that's her... Maybe," said Ben, squinting.
They saw the woman enter and exit a shop with a newspaper of sorts.
"Save your money for your children!" screamed Hugh.
"Shut up, you idiot. I want to see where she's going," scolded Ben.
And they did; they saw her line up for the theatre and they saw she wasn't Grace.
"’Struth!" exclaimed ocker Hugh.
"Almighty!" completed Ben incorrectly.
"Where to now?" asked a generously bruised little boy.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XIII
Ben Hansen
"Did you notice something?" Ben asked upon his return.
Hugh's panicked eyes shot round the door. "No, what?"
"We just allowed our only lead to get away without even asking what
our killer friend looked like."
"Yes...? Oh. Damn."
"Yes," Ben replied.
"Well, we'll have to chase her down."
"Yep."
"Let's get going then." Hugh set off for the door.
"Okay, but slow down. And don't skip! If I weren't incredibly
self-obsessed and incapable of reading body language, I'd think you
were excited."
"Who, me?" Hugh blushed.
"No, the other you. There's nobody else in the room, who else would I
be talking to?"
"Can we just go?"
"Okay. And no more bad booth jokes."
"Did you notice something?" Ben asked upon his return.
Hugh's panicked eyes shot round the door. "No, what?"
"We just allowed our only lead to get away without even asking what
our killer friend looked like."
"Yes...? Oh. Damn."
"Yes," Ben replied.
"Well, we'll have to chase her down."
"Yep."
"Let's get going then." Hugh set off for the door.
"Okay, but slow down. And don't skip! If I weren't incredibly
self-obsessed and incapable of reading body language, I'd think you
were excited."
"Who, me?" Hugh blushed.
"No, the other you. There's nobody else in the room, who else would I
be talking to?"
"Can we just go?"
"Okay. And no more bad booth jokes."
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XII
Hugh Hamilton
Daylight awoke begrudgingly and kicked its abnormally comfortable, cratered second face into obscurity for some precious, yet needless rest until the stars once more groaned into view. Our protagonists on the other hand, didn't open their small, insignificant eye-lids until local time chimed midday into existence. They met each other on the way to their shared destination and exchanged a few useless words of fate and coincidence before arriving without a kettle of fuss at the door to their office. After about ten minutes, they succeeded in opening the door, and blamed the delay on the scarce amount of sleep they had achieved the previous night.
"An important breakfast meeting, I suppose," was Grace's greeting as they stumbled towards the desk.
They looked up with heavy set eyes and blurted out a series of unconvincing and thoroughly contradictory excuses.
"What is it you wanted anyway?" asked Ben after the lies melted.
"Well," began Grace with a clarity and confidence that betrayed her monosyllabic and weary persona of the previous night, "it's about your current case — I have some important information."
"Yes?" prompted Ben.
"Can you screw me?" Hugh anticipated inaudibly.
"I have the opal you seek," she finally revealed.
"Yes!" Hugh cried before suddenly realising that his prediction wasn't reality.
Ben and Grace exchanged confusion whilst Hugh glowed with jealousy at their communication.
"So you have the opal?" Ben asked.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because some strange man hocked it to me at a pawn shop."
"You work in a porn shop?" blabbed a half deflated, half excited Hugh.
"Yes, I got a job behind the counter."
"What, and then you'd work your way up to the booths?" asked Hugh.
"What are you talking about?" said a suitably confused Grace.
"The porn shop."
"There aren't any booths at the pawn sh... Oh." she laughed.
"What?" said Hugh.
"P-A-W-N," she clarified.
"Oh. Ha," Hugh murmured. "I thought 'hocked it to me' was some new sexual euphemism.”
Ben didn't share the joke.
"Can we get on with it?" he said impatiently.
"Yes, anyway," Grace began, "there's something else as well."
Ben made an expectant face.
"Will you marry me?" anticipated Hugh once more, his lust considerably cooled.
"I want to make a deal with you," said Grace.
"Yes!" screamed Hugh again.
"Tell the couple that you never found the opal," she continued, ignoring Hugh, "and I'll give you 300 dollars."
"Hmm…" Ben mulled briefly. "All right, it's only the monkey murderer they want anyway."
"Yes!" said Hugh.
And so money was exchanged. Ben took his share and placed it privately in his wallet.
"Are you sure it was only 25 dollars?" Hugh asked suspiciously.
"Yes," confirmed Ben.
"Why did you accept the deal at such a low price?"
"I'm very generous."
"But of course."
Ben excused himself and went to the toilet.
"You know I heard what you said last night," Grace said as the door slammed.
"Huh?" said Hugh, startled.
"About sleeping here…"
"Oh… Ha, ha. Funny wasn't it?" Hugh laughed nervously.
"Indeed it was. I'll take you up on it though."
"What?" Hugh's face went jet red.
Grace laughed.
"Ah, you're joking."
Grace nodded ambiguously and left the office.
Daylight awoke begrudgingly and kicked its abnormally comfortable, cratered second face into obscurity for some precious, yet needless rest until the stars once more groaned into view. Our protagonists on the other hand, didn't open their small, insignificant eye-lids until local time chimed midday into existence. They met each other on the way to their shared destination and exchanged a few useless words of fate and coincidence before arriving without a kettle of fuss at the door to their office. After about ten minutes, they succeeded in opening the door, and blamed the delay on the scarce amount of sleep they had achieved the previous night.
"An important breakfast meeting, I suppose," was Grace's greeting as they stumbled towards the desk.
They looked up with heavy set eyes and blurted out a series of unconvincing and thoroughly contradictory excuses.
"What is it you wanted anyway?" asked Ben after the lies melted.
"Well," began Grace with a clarity and confidence that betrayed her monosyllabic and weary persona of the previous night, "it's about your current case — I have some important information."
"Yes?" prompted Ben.
"Can you screw me?" Hugh anticipated inaudibly.
"I have the opal you seek," she finally revealed.
"Yes!" Hugh cried before suddenly realising that his prediction wasn't reality.
Ben and Grace exchanged confusion whilst Hugh glowed with jealousy at their communication.
"So you have the opal?" Ben asked.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because some strange man hocked it to me at a pawn shop."
"You work in a porn shop?" blabbed a half deflated, half excited Hugh.
"Yes, I got a job behind the counter."
"What, and then you'd work your way up to the booths?" asked Hugh.
"What are you talking about?" said a suitably confused Grace.
"The porn shop."
"There aren't any booths at the pawn sh... Oh." she laughed.
"What?" said Hugh.
"P-A-W-N," she clarified.
"Oh. Ha," Hugh murmured. "I thought 'hocked it to me' was some new sexual euphemism.”
Ben didn't share the joke.
"Can we get on with it?" he said impatiently.
"Yes, anyway," Grace began, "there's something else as well."
Ben made an expectant face.
"Will you marry me?" anticipated Hugh once more, his lust considerably cooled.
"I want to make a deal with you," said Grace.
"Yes!" screamed Hugh again.
"Tell the couple that you never found the opal," she continued, ignoring Hugh, "and I'll give you 300 dollars."
"Hmm…" Ben mulled briefly. "All right, it's only the monkey murderer they want anyway."
"Yes!" said Hugh.
And so money was exchanged. Ben took his share and placed it privately in his wallet.
"Are you sure it was only 25 dollars?" Hugh asked suspiciously.
"Yes," confirmed Ben.
"Why did you accept the deal at such a low price?"
"I'm very generous."
"But of course."
Ben excused himself and went to the toilet.
"You know I heard what you said last night," Grace said as the door slammed.
"Huh?" said Hugh, startled.
"About sleeping here…"
"Oh… Ha, ha. Funny wasn't it?" Hugh laughed nervously.
"Indeed it was. I'll take you up on it though."
"What?" Hugh's face went jet red.
Grace laughed.
"Ah, you're joking."
Grace nodded ambiguously and left the office.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter XI
Ben Hansen
"You haven't slept in the same room as a woman before, though," Hugh continued.
"I have."
"Prove it."
"That would be a little difficult, I don't know her number."
A brief pause erupted yet again, splattering our intrepid heroes with
silence, lava and botched metaphors. Fortunately Ben and Hugh weren't
hit by any backsplash from the other two's painful writhing.
"Did you really?"
"Yes. Now can we please for the love of Christ get on with the story?"
"Story?"
"Sorry, I've begun to mentally narrate my life. It gives me something
to do, but occasionally things like that slip out."
Pause.
"You really are weird."
"I know. Now, to bed."
So they went to their respective homes and slept.
"You haven't slept in the same room as a woman before, though," Hugh continued.
"I have."
"Prove it."
"That would be a little difficult, I don't know her number."
A brief pause erupted yet again, splattering our intrepid heroes with
silence, lava and botched metaphors. Fortunately Ben and Hugh weren't
hit by any backsplash from the other two's painful writhing.
"Did you really?"
"Yes. Now can we please for the love of Christ get on with the story?"
"Story?"
"Sorry, I've begun to mentally narrate my life. It gives me something
to do, but occasionally things like that slip out."
Pause.
"You really are weird."
"I know. Now, to bed."
So they went to their respective homes and slept.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter X
Hugh Hamilton
A brief pause erupted.
"By the way," began Ben a little while later, "did our friend Humph actually have the opal?"
"I don't think so," replied Hugh.
"Do you reckon he's guilty?"
"No… Somehow I don't think he's the type to kill a monkey." Hugh said before adding "Bird."
"Huh?"
"I said 'bird'."
"Yes but why?"
"To kill a monkey-bird."
Ben slapped Hugh painfully across the small of his back.
"Any other suspects?" asked Hugh, nursing his recently reddened back.
"No, he's the only one so far."
"Rats."
But before Ben could say “Mice”, a car slid out in front of them and crashed into a fruit shop. Fortunately our friends weren't the least bit injured, just mildly shook up. Uh huh. They waded through a pool of oranges to peer through the window of the destroyed car and were very surprised to find a familiar looking body looking weakly back at them.
"Grace?" asked our interchangeable heroes.
"Hi," murmured Grace. "Can you help me?"
"Take you to a hospital?" suggested Ben.
"No, definitely not. Just take me somewhere to sleep. I need to tell you something."
Hugh and Ben made a sorry, inefficient job of carrying Grace back to their office and placed her on the couch. The time eventually reached ten thirty and Ben got up to leave. He made it to the door of the office before he looked back at Hugh.
"Aren't you going home?" he asked.
"No, I think I'll sleep here tonight," replied a red-faced Hugh. "In case she needs... help."
Ben glared intently at his similar half in disgust.
"No! I wasn't going to..." protested Hugh. "...I can't believe you'd even think such a thing."
"No?" mocked Ben.
"No! Of course not! You know me."
"Yes, yes I do."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing."
"Hey, you got to be with that couple."
"Ah, so you admit it."
"No, I just wanted to... Ah!"
"I'll bet you do."
"No, no! I just wanted to sleep here. I wasn't going to do anything."
"Why then?"
"I've never slept in the same room as a woman before."
"Really?"
"Oh shut up, you haven't either."
"Actually, I have."
"You have not!"
"In fact I've got a date tonight."
"At ten thirty?"
Ben raised his eyebrows suggestively.
"Col…"
"I think you'll find it's Ben."
"What did I say?"
"Col."
"Did I?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Sorry."
"What's so special about merely sleeping in the room with another woman anyway?" asked Ben after a pause.
"It all comes down to a simple euphemism," replied Hugh.
"Yes?"
"You see now I can say I've slept with a woman."
"Please tell me you haven't done all this just for that joke..."
"No, but let's say I did." Hugh got to his feet and joined Ben at the door.
They stood for a ponderous moment and watched the ruffled blue dress around Grace rise and fall with every breath before they stepped out into the cold night and locked the door.
A brief pause erupted.
"By the way," began Ben a little while later, "did our friend Humph actually have the opal?"
"I don't think so," replied Hugh.
"Do you reckon he's guilty?"
"No… Somehow I don't think he's the type to kill a monkey." Hugh said before adding "Bird."
"Huh?"
"I said 'bird'."
"Yes but why?"
"To kill a monkey-bird."
Ben slapped Hugh painfully across the small of his back.
"Any other suspects?" asked Hugh, nursing his recently reddened back.
"No, he's the only one so far."
"Rats."
But before Ben could say “Mice”, a car slid out in front of them and crashed into a fruit shop. Fortunately our friends weren't the least bit injured, just mildly shook up. Uh huh. They waded through a pool of oranges to peer through the window of the destroyed car and were very surprised to find a familiar looking body looking weakly back at them.
"Grace?" asked our interchangeable heroes.
"Hi," murmured Grace. "Can you help me?"
"Take you to a hospital?" suggested Ben.
"No, definitely not. Just take me somewhere to sleep. I need to tell you something."
Hugh and Ben made a sorry, inefficient job of carrying Grace back to their office and placed her on the couch. The time eventually reached ten thirty and Ben got up to leave. He made it to the door of the office before he looked back at Hugh.
"Aren't you going home?" he asked.
"No, I think I'll sleep here tonight," replied a red-faced Hugh. "In case she needs... help."
Ben glared intently at his similar half in disgust.
"No! I wasn't going to..." protested Hugh. "...I can't believe you'd even think such a thing."
"No?" mocked Ben.
"No! Of course not! You know me."
"Yes, yes I do."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing."
"Hey, you got to be with that couple."
"Ah, so you admit it."
"No, I just wanted to... Ah!"
"I'll bet you do."
"No, no! I just wanted to sleep here. I wasn't going to do anything."
"Why then?"
"I've never slept in the same room as a woman before."
"Really?"
"Oh shut up, you haven't either."
"Actually, I have."
"You have not!"
"In fact I've got a date tonight."
"At ten thirty?"
Ben raised his eyebrows suggestively.
"Col…"
"I think you'll find it's Ben."
"What did I say?"
"Col."
"Did I?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Sorry."
"What's so special about merely sleeping in the room with another woman anyway?" asked Ben after a pause.
"It all comes down to a simple euphemism," replied Hugh.
"Yes?"
"You see now I can say I've slept with a woman."
"Please tell me you haven't done all this just for that joke..."
"No, but let's say I did." Hugh got to his feet and joined Ben at the door.
They stood for a ponderous moment and watched the ruffled blue dress around Grace rise and fall with every breath before they stepped out into the cold night and locked the door.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter IX
Ben Hansen
Suddenly, Ben fell through the ceiling into Humphrey's lap.
"Oh, Mr. Humphrey," he wailed.
"What?" Humphrey responded.
"Nothing, just a bit of cosmic interference," was Ben's answer.
"Why are you here?"
"He's with me," Ben replied, pointing at Hugh.
"Not in that way. Come on," Hugh said and frogmarched Ben out. This
took a while, as when they were in the proper position Hugh's feet
dangled helplessly off the floor so he had to force Ben out at an
angle.
"Why did you say that?" Hugh asked furiously once they were out.
"What?"
"Now he thinks that I'm the boyfriend of somebody who destroyed his
second floor. I'll never have his trust."
"That's not important right now. You won't believe this, but that
monkey guy," Ben pointed at the door conspiratorially, "May have
killed the monkey and had his way with the corpse."
"By which you mean he took the eye."
"Yeah."
"I really wish you wouldn't put it in those words, 'had his way with
the corpse' sounds so much more disturbing than it should. And I know,
anyway. He showed me his restraining order."
"Did he show you his OPAL?!"
"You're getting a little overexcited."
"Yes, and I'm jumping to conclusions."
"Uh, yeah. Anyway, he told me that something was going down."
"Did he say what?"
"No."
"Well, that's helpful then."
Suddenly, Ben fell through the ceiling into Humphrey's lap.
"Oh, Mr. Humphrey," he wailed.
"What?" Humphrey responded.
"Nothing, just a bit of cosmic interference," was Ben's answer.
"Why are you here?"
"He's with me," Ben replied, pointing at Hugh.
"Not in that way. Come on," Hugh said and frogmarched Ben out. This
took a while, as when they were in the proper position Hugh's feet
dangled helplessly off the floor so he had to force Ben out at an
angle.
"Why did you say that?" Hugh asked furiously once they were out.
"What?"
"Now he thinks that I'm the boyfriend of somebody who destroyed his
second floor. I'll never have his trust."
"That's not important right now. You won't believe this, but that
monkey guy," Ben pointed at the door conspiratorially, "May have
killed the monkey and had his way with the corpse."
"By which you mean he took the eye."
"Yeah."
"I really wish you wouldn't put it in those words, 'had his way with
the corpse' sounds so much more disturbing than it should. And I know,
anyway. He showed me his restraining order."
"Did he show you his OPAL?!"
"You're getting a little overexcited."
"Yes, and I'm jumping to conclusions."
"Uh, yeah. Anyway, he told me that something was going down."
"Did he say what?"
"No."
"Well, that's helpful then."
The Dead Monkey: Chapter VIII
Hugh Hamilton
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."
"Humphrey Jones."
"Ah yes, right, um, okay. Uh... What can you tell me about monkeys?" asked Hugh.
"Quite a lot actually. I own this monkey store, you see."
"Yes, I gathered that much." Hugh stared around warily at the various monkeys hanging off shelves and boxes and pocketed his hands.
"Is there anything specific you'd like to know?"
"Yes, it's about their eyes."
"Their eyes?"
"Yes... Are they at all valuable?" Hugh half whispered conspiratorially.
"Oh, it depends," said Humphrey, slightly flustered by the line of questioning.
"On what?"
"On whether the monkey around it was valuable."
"So they have no specific value on their own?"
"Generally no, but there is one..." Jones trailed off as his eyes wandered around the darkened African decor.
"What?" pried Hugh impatiently.
"Who are you anyway?" asked Jones suspiciously.
"No one."
"Good."
"Go on."
"Okay, there was this one monkey."
"Yes?"
"The last one left of its kind."
"Uh huh."
"And it developed the strangest physical anomaly…"
"Yeah…?"
"One of it's eyes—" He leaned closer to Hugh for dramatic effect. "—Was an opal!"
"An opal? Are you sure?"
"Quite sure. I've seen it with my very own eyes."
"How could it see out of it?"
"The same way we see out of our eyes."
"Was this both of its eyes?"
"No, just the left one."
"Where did you see it anyway?"
"There's this couple down the road. They called me in once to check up on their ill monkey."
"Interesting."
"Of course the moment I saw it, I knew I had to have it."
"The opal or the monkey?"
"Both."
"So what did you do?"
"Why, I tried to take it!"
"What happened?"
"This." Jones reached into his pocket and pulled out a neatly typed on piece of paper.
"What's that?" asked Hugh.
"A restraining order."
"Ah, I thought I'd seen it before."
"It seems you can't just take things anymore."
"No, the worlds changed quite a bit since we were monkeys."
"What do you mean, 'were'?"
Hugh stared blankly at Humph.
"It was a joke!"
"Oh. Ha ha," murmured Hugh.
"Now, I'll let you in on a little secret."
Hugh leaned closer.
"There's something going on," said Jones.
"That's it?"
"Well, I haven't quite discovered what it is yet, but it is going on."
"So, something is happening but you don't know what it is?"
"No."
"Do you, Mr Jones?"
"I said no."
Hugh let it go at that and began inspecting the monkey books.
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."
"Humphrey Jones."
"Ah yes, right, um, okay. Uh... What can you tell me about monkeys?" asked Hugh.
"Quite a lot actually. I own this monkey store, you see."
"Yes, I gathered that much." Hugh stared around warily at the various monkeys hanging off shelves and boxes and pocketed his hands.
"Is there anything specific you'd like to know?"
"Yes, it's about their eyes."
"Their eyes?"
"Yes... Are they at all valuable?" Hugh half whispered conspiratorially.
"Oh, it depends," said Humphrey, slightly flustered by the line of questioning.
"On what?"
"On whether the monkey around it was valuable."
"So they have no specific value on their own?"
"Generally no, but there is one..." Jones trailed off as his eyes wandered around the darkened African decor.
"What?" pried Hugh impatiently.
"Who are you anyway?" asked Jones suspiciously.
"No one."
"Good."
"Go on."
"Okay, there was this one monkey."
"Yes?"
"The last one left of its kind."
"Uh huh."
"And it developed the strangest physical anomaly…"
"Yeah…?"
"One of it's eyes—" He leaned closer to Hugh for dramatic effect. "—Was an opal!"
"An opal? Are you sure?"
"Quite sure. I've seen it with my very own eyes."
"How could it see out of it?"
"The same way we see out of our eyes."
"Was this both of its eyes?"
"No, just the left one."
"Where did you see it anyway?"
"There's this couple down the road. They called me in once to check up on their ill monkey."
"Interesting."
"Of course the moment I saw it, I knew I had to have it."
"The opal or the monkey?"
"Both."
"So what did you do?"
"Why, I tried to take it!"
"What happened?"
"This." Jones reached into his pocket and pulled out a neatly typed on piece of paper.
"What's that?" asked Hugh.
"A restraining order."
"Ah, I thought I'd seen it before."
"It seems you can't just take things anymore."
"No, the worlds changed quite a bit since we were monkeys."
"What do you mean, 'were'?"
Hugh stared blankly at Humph.
"It was a joke!"
"Oh. Ha ha," murmured Hugh.
"Now, I'll let you in on a little secret."
Hugh leaned closer.
"There's something going on," said Jones.
"That's it?"
"Well, I haven't quite discovered what it is yet, but it is going on."
"So, something is happening but you don't know what it is?"
"No."
"Do you, Mr Jones?"
"I said no."
Hugh let it go at that and began inspecting the monkey books.
The Dead Monkey: Chapter VII
Ben Hansen
After Ben decided he'd watched the fondling enough (about 3 and a half
hours), he cleared his throat.
"Now," he said when he'd got their attention, "Can either of you tell
me why your monkey's eye would have been stolen?"
"Well, it wasn't real," the lady replied.
"No?"
"No, his real eye fell out. We had to replace it with a massive opal."
"An opal?"
"Yes."
"Why not give him a glass eye?"
"Would you waste money on a glass eye for a monkey?" the man asked.
"No, but I wouldn't waste an opal on a monkey either."
"That's because you're cheap."
"I... what?"
"you aren't willing to do something to brighten up your own monkey's
socket, you miserable excuse for a human being."
"Ah... whatever." Ben shook his head slightly before continuing. "Can
you tell me if the monkey had any enemies that spent a lot of time
around fluid?"
"You mean, people that didn't live in the desert?" the woman responded.
"Um... yes."
"Try Humphrey Jones."
After Ben decided he'd watched the fondling enough (about 3 and a half
hours), he cleared his throat.
"Now," he said when he'd got their attention, "Can either of you tell
me why your monkey's eye would have been stolen?"
"Well, it wasn't real," the lady replied.
"No?"
"No, his real eye fell out. We had to replace it with a massive opal."
"An opal?"
"Yes."
"Why not give him a glass eye?"
"Would you waste money on a glass eye for a monkey?" the man asked.
"No, but I wouldn't waste an opal on a monkey either."
"That's because you're cheap."
"I... what?"
"you aren't willing to do something to brighten up your own monkey's
socket, you miserable excuse for a human being."
"Ah... whatever." Ben shook his head slightly before continuing. "Can
you tell me if the monkey had any enemies that spent a lot of time
around fluid?"
"You mean, people that didn't live in the desert?" the woman responded.
"Um... yes."
"Try Humphrey Jones."
The Dead Monkey: Chapter VI
Hugh Hamilton
"But," he added four minutes later, "what if it wasn't a trophy?"
"What do you mean?" asked Ben.
"I mean, what if it was something much more valuable..."
"I guess it's a possibility. We'll ask him when we find him."
"Good." Hugh nodded slowly for a moment. "Where DO we find him?"
Ben looked down once more on the stain on the floor.
"Somewhere where there's liquid!"
"Ah, like everywhere."
"Yes. Let's look for him everywhere!"
"But really…"
"Okay, I suggest you find out if there is anything at all valuable about monkey eyes," said Ben.
"And where would I find out that?"
"A monkey shop?"
"Okay then. What will YOU do?"
"I'll stick around and interrogate those two." Ben pointed to the couple fondling each other in the corner.
Hugh glared at Ben for a moment and left.
"But," he added four minutes later, "what if it wasn't a trophy?"
"What do you mean?" asked Ben.
"I mean, what if it was something much more valuable..."
"I guess it's a possibility. We'll ask him when we find him."
"Good." Hugh nodded slowly for a moment. "Where DO we find him?"
Ben looked down once more on the stain on the floor.
"Somewhere where there's liquid!"
"Ah, like everywhere."
"Yes. Let's look for him everywhere!"
"But really…"
"Okay, I suggest you find out if there is anything at all valuable about monkey eyes," said Ben.
"And where would I find out that?"
"A monkey shop?"
"Okay then. What will YOU do?"
"I'll stick around and interrogate those two." Ben pointed to the couple fondling each other in the corner.
Hugh glared at Ben for a moment and left.
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