The Dead Monkey: Chapter XXII

Hugh Hamilton

"Wait, you don't expect me to be part of your team permanently, do you?" said Grace disdainfully at the doorstep.
"How so?" asked one of the other two.
"Well I'm not playing third-wheel with you homos."
"Who said you had to?" said Ben. "You're just here as a pseudo-Catwoman."
"Oh — never mind then."
Hugh hid his disappointment 'neath a veil of wit (if such a word can be used).
"Pseudo: that's what they make bread footwear with," he gulped.
The others ignored and knocked hesitantly on the door.
"Yes?" said the fat lady in a bathing costume upon opening.
"Come with us please, " commanded Ben.
"Sure," answered the lady without a second thought.
And so they gathered in the drawing room of the couple who kicked off the whole mess. The fat lady in the now-famous and well-worn bathing costume sat expectantly in an armchair while Humphrey and the couple lent 'gainst a handsomely stocked bookcase. Ben, Hugh and Grace entered after what they considered a beautifully weighted pause and stood authoritatively in the centre of the room.
"I believe," began Ben theatrically, "that we have uncovered a devious and foul plot."
"One so devious, and so foul," continued Hugh, "that to mention it is to commit verbal sin!"
"Nevertheless," said Ben, "we will relay it to you for your benefit. It is, after all, what you hired us to do in the first place."
"It starts with a monkey," said Hugh.
"And ends with an opal," completed Ben.
"Monkeyopal!" called out the fat lady.
Hugh ignored her and began to speak again.
"Here in this humble drawing room lies a murderer."
No one bothered to gasp.
"A mastermind of crime!" emphasised Ben, "whose carefully calculated plan overlooked but one detail—"
"Hugh and Ben!" cried Hugh, staring intently at the ceiling for extra effect.
"This was a crime of greed," said Ben.
"Agreed!" chortled Hugh.
"Yes," continued Ben, "a greed so strong that it destroyed everything in its path."
"A helpless monkey lost its life," wept Hugh comically. "And for what?"
"A measly thousand," answered Ben. "A pathetic monetary gain."
Grace sighed and someone yawned.
"How was this done?" asked Hugh.
"Simple," said Ben. "They secretly broke into the house, and, after taking care of the monkey, removed a precious opal from the socket."
"Then proceeded to hock at a pawn store to a young lady who we just happened to be acquainted with." Hugh smiled at Grace who gently ignored him
"And who was this vile villain?" asked Ben.
Her!" shouted Hugh, pointing accusingly at Lady Bathe.
"Me?" she said startled.
"Yes, you!" confirmed Ben.
"Actually," said the couple, "it was our former gardener."
"What?"
"Yes, sorry, we didn't want to interrupt your speech."
Hugh dropped his cue cards.
"How do you know?" he questioned furiously.
"He admitted it. He felt rather guilty, you see," they said.
"But why?"
"Perhaps the second writer could answer that."
Oh, and the gardener entered.