Ben Hansen
Hugh was in his usual chair, staring at the fan which blew ridiculously hot air into his face and wondering why he'd bothered to turn it on, when an extremely sweaty and hate-consumed Ben stormed in with several bags.
"You bastard," he said to Hugh as he dumped the bags unceremoniously next to the fridge.
"What? It was your turn to do the shopping."
"You bastard."
"I gave you some money and everything.
"You made me go into a supermarket in December. In December."
"Carols?"
"Exactly. You bastard."
"Seriously, what is it with you and Christmas carols? many people enjoy them."
"Many people never worked part time in a supermarket. You bastard."
"How much longer are you going to call me a bastard?"
"Nah, pretty much done." Ben scowled as he began to pull things from the bag. "So since it's Christmas, certain... steps have been taken. We're living off egg nog instead of milk."
"What? But I hate egg nog."
"So do I, but it's replaced the milk."
"That's stupid. And not even true."
"Yes. Also, we're going to have to take whatever sustenance we can from chocolate coins and candy canes."
"You're joking, right?"
Ben chose to answer by emptying a bag filled with nothing but candy canes and chocolate coins in front of Hugh.
"So we're not eating anything real for the better part of a month because you thought it'd be funny to buy lots of Christmassy stuff and see how I react."
"Um, yeah. Pretty much."
"And you spent all the food money on chocolate and egg nog."
"Well, not entirely." Ben picked up one bag which seemed to be bulging with slightly larger things than the others. He deposited the contents on top of the pile of confectionary before Hugh. "On Christmas Eve, we'll be enjoying this ham... and this, get out here you bastard, pudding."
"Oh joy," Hugh said with little to no sincerity in his voice.
"But I don't like pudding so you'll get that to yourself," Ben added, the fact that he'd just ruined their meals for the month beginning to sink in.
"Oh joy," Hugh said with, if anything, less sincerity than before.
"Maybe we could take this stuff back and get some real stuff?" Ben suggested.
"No, too late for that. It's ours now, and we'll have to live with that."
"...Sorry, Hugh. But it's your fault for sending me into the Carols." Ben shuddered to drive home his point, following up after a moment with "you bastard".
"Never mind, we have a case. Some strangely hiccuping man called while you were out."
"Strangely hiccuping?"
"Yes, it was quite the unique characteristic. Anyways, he wants us to look into a murder."
"A murder?"
"Yep."
"Our specialty."
"We have a specialty?"
"Screwing up. But you may have noticed that we screw up a lot more murder cases than any other sort."
"...Interesting point. Anyway. Apparently this guy employs a guy who was found strangled to death with, of all things, tinsel."
"That's a holiday-themed lie, isn't it?"
"Of course."
"You bastard. So what is the case?"
"Oh, hiccuping guy wants us to check out a stabbing, he'll be by in a bit to tell us about the case."
"Oh joy" Ben said with every bit as much sincerity as his colleague.
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